DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN! DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN!!!!!!!!

     No, that's not the literary representation of Smoke on the Water, although I can understand why you might think that. Nope, that's the immortal road trip anthem "I Can't Drive Fifty Five," Sammy Hagar's ode to trying to have a good time driving down the California freeway (likely on the way to his famed bar, Wabo Cabo), but having his buzz killed by the most buzz-killingly lame group of law enforcement officers the USA has ever known - the highway patrol. The Red Rocker might have been bummed by his inability to crack 55 MPH (that's 88.51 KM/H for us Northerners anyone who lives in a country with enough sense to use the metric system), but at least it gave him the inspiration to write a sweet party-rocking epic. If Sammy had lived in Thailand, he would have had to find something else to rip on the cops about (drugs), because driving like a maniac, that's no big deal.

      You know how you feel like a bit of a badass when you're crusing around Winnipeg on your sweet 10 speed and instead of waiting for all the cars in front of you to get moving, you slip between the curb and the passenger side, sometimes risking drawing the ire of an overzealous motorist (who's just looking out for your safety anyway, right?)? Thailand driving is sort of like that, except bikes do whatever they want, whenever they want, motorcycles/scooters weave through traffic, needing only a couple inches on each side to decide that "Hey, this lane is too slow, I'm gonna pretend that I'm playing a game of tag on the play structure and go between those two buses, that taxi, that garbage truck, forget that red light, and to hell with that old lady in my way." Tuktuks (sort of a motorcycle with a cab on the back) veer constantly into oncoming traffic to save a couple minutes, and taxis are constantly going on to the shoulder, following their tuktuk brothers into the wrong lane and honking at most anyone to get out of the way. Buses mostly drive like regular buses, actually they might drive a little better than Canadian bus drivers, they're at least a little less surly and jaded.

     It works sort of like a finely tuned dance - everyone sort of understands that everyone else drives like shit, and they behave accordingly. I haven't seen any accidents yet. It's rather amazing, and if you can relax for a moment, it's quite impressive. The nerves of the average Thai taxi driver must rival that of most NASCAR drivers, and they don't need to get together every weekend to drink a metric tonne of beer with their redneck friends just to celebrate how skilled they are at turning left. The constant push and pull of Thai traffic would baffle even the most seasoned of Canadian drivers, and although it is a lot of fun to drive around on the back of a motorcycle/tuktuk/backseat of a taxi, I constantly find myself flinching, based on the expectations I've developed from driving around in North America. Rocketing down the 401 in Toronto at 150 km/h made me feel like a badass, but I'm humbled by basically every person I've seen driving around in Bangkok.

Every Thai Person with a Driver's License (or without) - 1, Tyler - 0.

    So Sammy, I feel for you and your frustration at not being able to drive 55 on the California highway whilst loaded up on homebrew your own craft distilled tequila, but suck it up - You could have some real problems like trying to maneuver your scooter with your wife and 3 kids through rush hour in a city of 12 million. Meh, that chorus probably would rock as hard.