A Flatty Squirrel on the Road

On the road from Phnom Phen to Siem Reap I had a lot of time to think about real issues, you know the things that really matter. I also had a lot of time to fear for my life, due to our driver's propensity for veering into on-coming traffic to pass buses, cars, motorcycles heavy laden with an entire cord of wood, and a variety of other motor vehicles (this may have been partly my fault. See below). So here's a list of "deep shit" I thought about/realized during that 5.5 hour minibus ride.

1. Chuck Klosterman is awesome, and is the coolest white guy you don't know - I knew this already, but Chaz provided the literary focal point for my journey. A new Klosterman gets me all in a tizzy every time (well, maybe not the fiction. I'll buy that when it's on the discount rack at McNally. Which usually doesn't take very long). I love the language, I love the in turns obscure and hilariously strangely chosen cultural references, I love the criticism, I even love the font (his newest book, "I Wear the Black Hat," is not written in his usual choice of font, a "tweaked version of helvetica". I got over it in a couple pages. But I did just spend 5 minutes trying to find the name of that font. Which is wicked). His arguments are sometimes excessively serpentine, and he can be criticized for using some particularly verbose language at times, but he's still totally a dude. And (probably) way smarter than you, although he's chosen to use that intelligence for a fairly bizarre purpose, but knowing why the Dixie Chicks are the new Van Halen is arguably just as important as finding the cure for AIDS. Or maybe just the common cold.

2. A great experiment, albeit a rather dangerous one, would be to get a group of about 50 people you know together (it would help if they are overly confident drivers), get them into cars, and drive around a major Canadian city like a Cambodian cabbie might. It would probably last about 10 minutes, but it would definitely be memorable.

3. Cambodians have some of the most beautiful souls of anyone on earth. They are wonderful, patient, happy, and kind. They are also some of the most trusting people you'll ever meet. They're so trusting that they'll let some sick foreigner wearing aviators use their bathroom, no questions asked, even if he just fell out of some minibus on the side of the road. (side note - bidets are totally the way to go. Whoever thought up this whole toilet paper sham is a complete and utter dumbass).

4. Aviators are the coolest sunglasses around, them shits are awesome. They also happen to be the sunglass selection of choice for stereotypical portrayals of sex tourists or pedophiles. So if you decide to go with the 'avs, be forewarned that you look like a creep. But also that you look fashionable, and somewhat devil-may-care, which is a great vibe to put out. You also may get mistaken for a pilot, but that's solely conjecture, it hasn't happened to me yet, and I've been on a 100% aviator diet for the past 8 years.

5. Lists kick ass. They're generally a lot more fun to write than one long, semi-coherent exposition on something like relative morality in pop music, and they're also generally a lot more fun to read. Chuck Klosterman - big fan of lists, and they're often some of the best parts of his books (especially the fictional ones, mostly because they kind of suck otherwise), except when they become excessively long and tangential. Which this is currently becoming, but you'd probably disappointed if it weren't, right?

6. Dogs - totally a great time. Even if you're not a fan, you have to admit some admiration for their happy-go-lucky outlook on life: You run around, you eat some garbage/something that tastes like garbage, you "clean" yourself, you sleep, you've always got something fun to do (easily amused) and most people think that you're hilarious. Even the street dogs of Asia seem to be having a great time. If you're not having a great day, all you need to do is look around at some street dwelling canine, with his big droopy ears, his mile wide smile and be picked up by the unbridled joy in their faces. It's infectious. As are the diseases that they carry, but just don't touch them and you'll be fine.

7. It's a senseless tragedy when an animal is killed by a motor vehicle - I didn't see this transpire, but I saw our driver narrowly miss 2 dogs and 1 cow, and I was well aware of the potential for feeling really shitty and morose in all of those interactions. So I leave you with this gem, from The Riel Gentlemen's performance at the Park Theatre this past spring. Or at least a link because blogger is being a real dingus.